Military Humor

[Lakeland Man]

This may be the wrong time of the year, but still funny. I've updated it for 2011.



MEMORANDUM FROM: MG CLAUS, Commander, Joint Arctic Operations
Detachment Subject: Distinguished Visitor
Date: Thursday, December 15, 2011

1. An official visit by MG Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this
headquarters 25 December 2011. The following instructions will be
in effect and govern the activities of all personnel during the
visit:

a. Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will
include indigenous mice. Special stirring permits for necessary
administrative actions will be obtained through normal command
channels. Mice stirring permits will be obtained through the office
of OSURG, Veterinary Services.

b. Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior
to 2200 hours, 24 December 2011. Uniform for the nap will be:
Pajamas, cotton, light, drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose,
camouflage; and Cap, camouflage w/ear flaps. Equipment will be drawn
from CIF prior to 1900 hours, 24 December 2011.

c. Personnel will utilize standard ration sugar plums for visions
to dance through their heads. This item will be drawn from the
servicing dining facility.

d. Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by the chimney with
care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards
caused by carelessly hung stockings. Unit Safety Officers will
submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800
hours, 24 December 2011, ATTN: AEAGA-S, for approval.

e. At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all troops will
spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action
will be taken to tear open the shutters and thrown open the window
sashes. ODCSOPS Plan (Saint Nick), Reference LO No. 3, paragraph 6c,
this headquarters, 2 February 2009, will be in effect to facilitate
shutter tearing and sash throwing. Division chiefs will familiarize
all personnel with procedures and are responsible for ensuring that
no shutters are torn open nor window sashes thrown prior to start of
official clatter.

f. Prior to 2400, 24 December 2011, all personnel will be assigned
"Wondering Eye" stations. After shutters are thrown and sashes are
torn, these stations will be manned.

g. ODCSLOG will assign one each Sleigh, miniature, M-66, and eight
(8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of MG Claus' driver who, in accordance
with current directives and other applicable regulations, must have
a valid SF 46 properly annotated by Driver Testing; be authorized
rooftop parking; and be able to shout "On Dasher, on Dancer, on
Prancer and Vixen, up Comet, up Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen."

2. MG Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys. All
units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M-6, for use
during ceremonies. Chimney simulator units will be requested on
Engineer Job Order Request Form submitted to the
Furniture Warehouse prior to 19 December 2011, and issued on
DA Form 3161, Request for Issue or Turn- In.

3. Personnel will be rehearsed on shouting "Merry Christmas to all
and to all a good night." This shout will be given on termination of
General Claus' visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility
of division chiefs.



CHRISTOPHER K. RINGLE
Colonel, USA
OIC, Special Services

[S&W645]

Besides "Sir"? (Yuck yuck!)

GG

Oh bellhop. ( ) They only called them "Sir" if they were officers or had just gotten beat up. That only happened after the Navy and Marines had finished beating up the Army or Air Force and had been removed from sight. By force.

[cuznjed]

In the beginning was God, and all else was darkness and void, and without form. So God created the heavens and the Earth. He created the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce the darkness. God divided the Earth between the land and the sea, and these he filled with many assorted creatures. And the dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the murky depths of the oceans, God called sailors. And he dressed them accordingly.
They had little trousers that looked like bells at the bottom. And their shirts had cute little flaps on them to hide the hickeys on their necks. He also gave them long sideburns and shabby looking beards. God nicknamed them "squids" and banished them to a lifetime at sea so normal folks would not have to associate with them. To further identify these unloved creatures, he called them "petty" and "commodore," instead of titles worthy of red-blooded men.
And the flaky creatures of the land, God called soldiers. And with a twinkle in his eye, and a sense of humor that only he could have, God made their trousers too short and their covers too large. He also made their pockets oversized, so that they may warm their hands. And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them badges in quantities that only a dime store owner could appreciate. And he gave them emblems and crests... and all sorts of shiny things that glittered... and devices that dangled. (When you are God you tend to get carried away).
On the 6th day, he thought about creating some air creatures for which he designed a Greyhound bus driver's uniform, especially for Air Force flyboys. But he discarded the idea during the first week, and it was not until years later that some apostles resurrected this theme and established what we now know as the "wild blue yonder wonders."
And on the 7th day, as you know, God rested. But on the 8th day, at 0730, God looked down upon the earth and was not happy. God was not happy! So, he thought about his labors, and in his divine wisdom God created a divine creature. And this he called a Marine.
And these Marines, who God created in his own image, were to be of the air, and of the land, and of the sea. And these he gave many wonderful uniforms. Some were green, some were blue with red trim. And in the early days, some were even a beautiful tan. He gave them practical fighting uniforms, so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them service uniforms for their daily work and training. And he gave them evening and dress uniforms... sharp and stylish, handsome things, so that they might promenade with their ladies on Saturday night and impress the hell out of everybody! He even gave them swords, so that people who were not impressed, could be dealt with accordingly.
And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the Earth and saw that it was good. But was God happy? NO! God was still not happy! Why? Because in the course of his labors, God had forgotten one thing. He did not have a Marine uniform for himself. But he thought about it, and thought about it, and finally satisfied himself in knowing that, well.........
NOT EVERYBODY CAN BE A MARINE!

SEMPER FI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats great and so true!

[S&W645]

In the beginning was God, and all else was darkness and void, and without form. So God created the heavens and the Earth. He created the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce the darkness. God divided the Earth between the land and the sea, and these he filled with many assorted creatures. And the dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the murky depths of the oceans, God called sailors. And he dressed them accordingly.
They had little trousers that looked like bells at the bottom. And their shirts had cute little flaps on them to hide the hickeys on their necks. He also gave them long sideburns and shabby looking beards. God nicknamed them "squids" and banished them to a lifetime at sea so normal folks would not have to associate with them. To further identify these unloved creatures, he called them "petty" and "commodore," instead of titles worthy of red-blooded men.
And the flaky creatures of the land, God called soldiers. And with a twinkle in his eye, and a sense of humor that only he could have, God made their trousers too short and their covers too large. He also made their pockets oversized, so that they may warm their hands. And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them badges in quantities that only a dime store owner could appreciate. And he gave them emblems and crests... and all sorts of shiny things that glittered... and devices that dangled. (When you are God you tend to get carried away).
On the 6th day, he thought about creating some air creatures for which he designed a Greyhound bus driver's uniform, especially for Air Force flyboys. But he discarded the idea during the first week, and it was not until years later that some apostles resurrected this theme and established what we now know as the "wild blue yonder wonders."
And on the 7th day, as you know, God rested. But on the 8th day, at 0730, God looked down upon the earth and was not happy. God was not happy! So, he thought about his labors, and in his divine wisdom God created a divine creature. And this he called a Marine.
And these Marines, who God created in his own image, were to be of the air, and of the land, and of the sea. And these he gave many wonderful uniforms. Some were green, some were blue with red trim. And in the early days, some were even a beautiful tan. He gave them practical fighting uniforms, so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them service uniforms for their daily work and training. And he gave them evening and dress uniforms... sharp and stylish, handsome things, so that they might promenade with their ladies on Saturday night and impress the hell out of everybody! He even gave them swords, so that people who were not impressed, could be dealt with accordingly.
And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the Earth and saw that it was good. But was God happy? NO! God was still not happy! Why? Because in the course of his labors, God had forgotten one thing. He did not have a Marine uniform for himself. But he thought about it, and thought about it, and finally satisfied himself in knowing that, well.........
NOT EVERYBODY CAN BE A MARINE!

And on the 9th day He still was not happy. Why? Because the Marines spent too much time as escorts, gate guards and such at the embassies and bases. And when not on duty, they spent too much time in town causing fights while messing up there uniforms. So he thought long and hard. On the 10th day he created the SEALs. Because when you really need to get things done, the Marines are off showing off to the ladies. Go Navy!

[Aresye]

This may be the wrong time of the year, but still funny. I've updated it for 2011.



MEMORANDUM FROM: MG CLAUS, Commander, Joint Arctic Operations
Detachment Subject: Distinguished Visitor
Date: Thursday, December 15, 2011

1. An official visit by MG Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this
headquarters 25 December 2011. The following instructions will be
in effect and govern the activities of all personnel during the
visit:

a. Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will
include indigenous mice. Special stirring permits for necessary
administrative actions will be obtained through normal command
channels. Mice stirring permits will be obtained through the office
of OSURG, Veterinary Services.

b. Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior
to 2200 hours, 24 December 2011. Uniform for the nap will be:
Pajamas, cotton, light, drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose,
camouflage; and Cap, camouflage w/ear flaps. Equipment will be drawn
from CIF prior to 1900 hours, 24 December 2011.

c. Personnel will utilize standard ration sugar plums for visions
to dance through their heads. This item will be drawn from the
servicing dining facility.

d. Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by the chimney with
care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards
caused by carelessly hung stockings. Unit Safety Officers will
submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800
hours, 24 December 2011, ATTN: AEAGA-S, for approval.

e. At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all troops will
spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action
will be taken to tear open the shutters and thrown open the window
sashes. ODCSOPS Plan (Saint Nick), Reference LO No. 3, paragraph 6c,
this headquarters, 2 February 2009, will be in effect to facilitate
shutter tearing and sash throwing. Division chiefs will familiarize
all personnel with procedures and are responsible for ensuring that
no shutters are torn open nor window sashes thrown prior to start of
official clatter.

f. Prior to 2400, 24 December 2011, all personnel will be assigned
"Wondering Eye" stations. After shutters are thrown and sashes are
torn, these stations will be manned.

g. ODCSLOG will assign one each Sleigh, miniature, M-66, and eight
(8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of MG Claus' driver who, in accordance
with current directives and other applicable regulations, must have
a valid SF 46 properly annotated by Driver Testing; be authorized
rooftop parking; and be able to shout "On Dasher, on Dancer, on
Prancer and Vixen, up Comet, up Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen."

2. MG Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys. All
units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M-6, for use
during ceremonies. Chimney simulator units will be requested on
Engineer Job Order Request Form submitted to the
Furniture Warehouse prior to 19 December 2011, and issued on
DA Form 3161, Request for Issue or Turn- In.

3. Personnel will be rehearsed on shouting "Merry Christmas to all
and to all a good night." This shout will be given on termination of
General Claus' visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility
of division chiefs.



CHRISTOPHER K. RINGLE
Colonel, USA
OIC, Special Services

I work as my squadron's message traffic LPO, and that gave me a good chuckle. I think this December I'll find a way to sneak it into the message binder

[sdprof]

This explains it all. Aviators come from a long line of a secret
society, formed around one thousand years ago. They are warriors, and
here is the proof! Ground pounders can read it and weep!

A little known fact is the origin of the word, "Aviator." In the immortal
words of Johnny Carson: "I did not know that."

Phu Khen (pronounced Foo Ken) 1169-? is considered by some to be the
most under-recognized military officer in history. Many have never heard
of his contributions to modern military warfare. The mission of this
secret society is to bring honor to the name of Phu Khen.

A 'Khen' was a subordinate to a 'Khan' (pronounced 'konn') in the
military structure of the Mongol hordes. Khan is Turkish for leader.
Most know of the great Genghis Khan, but little has been wri tten of his
chain of command.

Khen is also of Turkish origin. Although there is not a word in English
that adequately conveys the meaning. Roughly translated, it means, "One
who will do the impossible, while appearing unprepared and complaining
constantly."

Phu Khen was one of ten Khens that headed the divisions, or groups of
hordes, as they were known, of the Mongol Army serving under Genghis
Khan. His abilities came to light during the Mongols' raids on the
Turkistan city of Bohicaroo. Bohicans were fierce warriors and the city
was well fortified. The entire city was protected by huge walls and the
hordes were at a standoff with the Bohicans. Bohicaroo was well-stocked
and it would be difficult to wait them out. Genghis Khan assembled his
Khens and ordered each of them to develop a plan for penetrating the
defenses of Bohicaroo.

Operation Achieve Victory (AV) was born. All 10 divisions of Khens
submitted their plan. Afte r reviewing AV plans 1 thru 7 and finding them
all unworkable or ridiculous, Genghis Khan was understandably upset.

It was with much perspiration that Phu Khen submitted his idea, which
came to be known as AV 8. Upon seeing AV 8, Genghis was convinced this
was the perfect plan and gave his immediate approval. The plan was
beautifully simple. Phu Khen would arm his hordes to the teeth, load
them into catapults, and hurl them over the wall. The losses were
expected to be high, but hey, hordes were cheap! Those that survived the
flight would engage the enemy in combat. Those that did not? Well,
surely their flailing bodies would cause some damage.

The plan worked and the Bohicans were defeated. From that day on,
whenever the Mongol Army encountered an insurmountable enemy, Genghis
Khan would give the order, "Send some of Phu Khen's AV 8-ers."

This is believed, though not by anyone outside our secret society, to be
the true origin o f the word Aviator (AV 8-er).

Phu Khen's AV 8-ers were understandably an unruly mob, not likely to be
socially acceptable. Many were heavy drinkers and insomniacs. But when
nothing else would do, you could always count on an AV 8-er. A Phu Khen
Aviator. Denied, perhaps rightfully so, his place in history, Phu Khen
has been, nonetheless, immortalized in prose.

As the great poet Norman Lear never once said:
"There once was a man named Phu Khen,
Whose breakfast was whiskey and gin.
When e'er he'd fly, he'd give a mighty war cry:
Bend over, here it comes again."

Consider it an honor to be a Phu Khen Aviator. Wear the mantle proudly,
but speak of it cautiously. It is not always popular to be one of us.

You hear mystical references, often hushed whispers, to 'those Phu Khen
Aviators.' Do not let these things bother you. As with any secret
society, we go largely misunderstood, prohibited by our apathy from
explaining ou rselves.

You are expected to always live down to the reputation of the Phu Khen
Aviator... a reputation cultivated for centuries, undaunted by scorn or
ridicule, unhindered by progress. So drink up, be crude, sleep late,
urinate in public, and get the job done.

When others are offended, you can revel in the knowledge that YOU are a
PHU KHEN AVIATOR!

[sdprof]

Many years ago, I was stationed on a multi-service installation. I was a Staff Sergeant in the USAF. One time some Army captain came up to me and just couldn't figure out where I fit in the rank structure. He asked me, "Just what would you be in the Army?" I thought about it a moment and replied, "I think a LtCol."

[G50AE]

Many years ago, I was stationed on a multi-service installation. I was a Staff Sergeant in the USAF. One time some Army captain came up to me and just couldn't figure out where I fit in the rank structure. He asked me, "Just what would you be in the Army?" I thought about it a moment and replied, "I think a LtCol."

I knew an Army Captain who got into a little bit of trouble for chewing out a Navy Captain, with out realizing that Navy Captains are three grades higher, O-6 instead of O-3.

[handgonnetoter]

Many years ago, I was stationed on a multi-service installation. I was a Staff Sergeant in the USAF. One time some Army captain came up to me and just couldn't figure out where I fit in the rank structure. He asked me, "Just what would you be in the Army?" I thought about it a moment and replied, "I think a LtCol."

LOL! Thats funny. Good night Chesty, wherever you are!