Military Humor

[harvey13118]

Thought we might use a little non serious stuff now and then.

WISDOM - FROM THE MILITARY MANUAL

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'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal
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'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US. Air Force Manual
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'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons.' - General Mac Arthur
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'You, you, and you .. Panic. The rest of you, come with me.'
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordinance
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'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' - Infantry Journal
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'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
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'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do'
- Unknown Marine Recruit
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'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.'
- USAF Ammo Troop
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'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
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'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
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'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter
-- and therefore, unsafe.'
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'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have
enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
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'Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club.'
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'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, ... The pilot dies.'
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'Never trade luck for skill.'
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words),
in aviation are:
'Why is it doing that?'
'Where are we?'
And 'Oh Shit!'
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'Airspeed, altitude and ideas.
Two of the three are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
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'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation;
we have never left one up there!'
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'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight
to a person on the ground incapable of understanding
or doing anything about it.'
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'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world;
it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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Airman, maintain thy air speed lest the earth rise up and smite you!
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'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
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'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it
takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives;
the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

[gdcleanfun]

Now those are funny!

[Hamster]

keep them coming. we all can use a good laugh.

[spf159753]

Hey don't forget," If it don't move paint it.

And as Msgt. Mario M. Mercado once said" If I find drugs in my barracks,I will fry you, like a fried egg,on a hot rock, in
Arizona".

Drill SGT. says"You don't know how good you have it,We used to do the police call in the low crawl position.

What about sending the new recruit up to supply, to get me some flight line,and grid squares??
The good old days...

[Glock Fan]

Don't forget "What's the maximum effective range of an excuse PRIVATE!?"



gf

[Hamster]

We use to send newbies to the hull techs for a HT punch on board ship.

We have sent newbies to supply for batteries for the chem lights.

[ronwill]

How about a bucket of prop wash or echo checks down the intake?

[Templar]

Great Stuff Harvey! Thanks for posting!

[Hamster]

Artificially sweetened plums are authorized for those in the unit weight control program. Specifications for this item will be provided by the servicing dining facility.

I resemble that remark. LOL

[wolfhunter]

In the beginning was God, and all else was darkness and void, and without form. So God created the heavens and the Earth. He created the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce the darkness. God divided the Earth between the land and the sea, and these he filled with many assorted creatures. And the dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the murky depths of the oceans, God called sailors. And he dressed them accordingly.
They had little trousers that looked like bells at the bottom. And their shirts had cute little flaps on them to hide the hickeys on their necks. He also gave them long sideburns and shabby looking beards. God nicknamed them "squids" and banished them to a lifetime at sea so normal folks would not have to associate with them. To further identify these unloved creatures, he called them "petty" and "commodore," instead of titles worthy of red-blooded men.
And the flaky creatures of the land, God called soldiers. And with a twinkle in his eye, and a sense of humor that only he could have, God made their trousers too short and their covers too large. He also made their pockets oversized, so that they may warm their hands. And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them badges in quantities that only a dime store owner could appreciate. And he gave them emblems and crests... and all sorts of shiny things that glittered... and devices that dangled. (When you are God you tend to get carried away).
On the 6th day, he thought about creating some air creatures for which he designed a Greyhound bus driver's uniform, especially for Air Force flyboys. But he discarded the idea during the first week, and it was not until years later that some apostles resurrected this theme and established what we now know as the "wild blue yonder wonders."
And on the 7th day, as you know, God rested. But on the 8th day, at 0730, God looked down upon the earth and was not happy. God was not happy! So, he thought about his labors, and in his divine wisdom God created a divine creature. And this he called a Marine.
And these Marines, who God created in his own image, were to be of the air, and of the land, and of the sea. And these he gave many wonderful uniforms. Some were green, some were blue with red trim. And in the early days, some were even a beautiful tan. He gave them practical fighting uniforms, so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them service uniforms for their daily work and training. And he gave them evening and dress uniforms... sharp and stylish, handsome things, so that they might promenade with their ladies on Saturday night and impress the hell out of everybody! He even gave them swords, so that people who were not impressed, could be dealt with accordingly.
And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the Earth and saw that it was good. But was God happy? NO! God was still not happy! Why? Because in the course of his labors, God had forgotten one thing. He did not have a Marine uniform for himself. But he thought about it, and thought about it, and finally satisfied himself in knowing that, well.........
NOT EVERYBODY CAN BE A MARINE!