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This is a discussion on Humor within the Off-Topic forums, part of the Main Category category; A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' ...

  1. #1
    mmckee1952 is offline Banned
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    A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

    The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

    The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

    The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

    He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

    The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!

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    Lemon Squeeze

    There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

    Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
    The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

    The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'

    The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

    The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

    The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

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    Catholic Dog

    Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

    Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church ... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

    Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

    Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

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    Donation

    Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

    'It is!'

    'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

    'I can!'

    'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

    'I do!'

    'Is he a member of your congregation?'

    'He is!'

    'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

    'He will.'

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    Confession

    An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

    Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

    Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

    Man: 'What sins?'

    Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

    Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

    Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

    Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

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    Brothel Trip

    An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

    'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

    '90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

    'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

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    Senility

    An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile ... Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

    'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

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    Marriage Humour

    Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

    Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'

    Wife : 'Yes or No.'

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    A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

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    Husbands are husbands

    A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

    'What was that for?' the man asked.

    The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket' ...

    The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework ...

    Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

    Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
    Wife replied ... 'Your horse phoned ...'

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    Lmao! ...................
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    Out ofthe mouth of Babes!!!!

    A REAL TEAR JERKER

    This is for al lthe grandfathers out there.

    Last week, I took my grand-children toa restaurant. My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food,and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert .And liberty and justice forall! Amen!"

    Along withthe laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

    Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

    As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job,and God was certainly not madat him,an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

    "Really?" my grand-son asked.

    "Cross my heart,"the man replied. Then, ina theatrical whisper, headded (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good forthe soul sometimes."

    Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his fora moment,and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

    He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked overand placed it in front ofthe woman.
    Witha big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up yourass you grouchy old b***h! "

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    A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

    The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

    So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

    Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

    1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
    2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
    3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
    4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
    6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
    7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
    8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** out of him..
    9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
    10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
    11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,"Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."
    12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
    13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
    14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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    Good One! LOL! =-)
    Fascist's are Magicians...They can make our Property, our Freedom's & even our Children 'Disappear'.
    ~Outlaw~

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    Question; What's better than roses on your piano?
    .......................
    .......................
    .......................
    Answer; Tulips on your organ!
    Fascist's are Magicians...They can make our Property, our Freedom's & even our Children 'Disappear'.
    ~Outlaw~

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    Comparison of AK, AR-15, and Moisin-Nagant

    AK: It works though you have never cleaned it -- ever.
    AR: You have $9 per ounce special non-detergent synthetic Teflon infused oil for cleaning.
    MN: It was last cleaned in Berlin in 1945. Maybe.

    AK: You are able to hit the broad side of a barn from inside.
    AR: You are able to hit the broad side of a barn from 600 meters.
    MN: You can hit the farm from two counties over.

    AK: Cheap magazines are fun to buy.
    AR: Cheap magazines melt.
    MN: What's a magazine?

    AK: Your safety can be heard from 300 meters away.
    AR: You can silently flip off the safety with your finger on the trigger.
    MN: What's a safety?

    AK: Your rifle comes with a cheap nylon sling.
    AR: Your rifle has a 9 point stealth tactical suspension system.
    MN: Your rifle has four dog collars tied end-to-end.

    AK: Your bayonet makes a good wire cutter.
    AR: Your bayonet is actually a pretty good steak knife.
    MN: Your bayonet is longer than your leg.

    AK: You can put a .30" hole through 12" of oak, if you can ever hit it.
    AR: You can put one hole in a paper target at 100 meters with 30 rounds.
    MN: You can knock down everyone else's target with the shock wave of your bullet going downrange.

    AK: When out of ammo your rifle will nominally pass as a club.
    AR: When out of ammo, your rifle makes a great wiffle bat.
    MN: When out of ammo, your rifle makes a supreme war club, pike, boat oar, tent pole, or firewood.

    AK: Recoil is manageable, even fun.
    AR: What's recoil?
    MN: Recoil is often used to relocate shoulders thrown out by the previous shot.

    AK: Your sight adjustment goes to "10", and you've never bothered moving it.
    AR: Your sight adjustment is incremented in fractions of minute of angle.
    MN: Your sight adjustment goes to 12 miles and you've actually tried it.

    AK: Your rifle can be used by any two bit nation's most illiterate conscripts to fight elite forces worldwide.
    AR: Your rifle is used by elite forces worldwide to fight two bit nations' most illiterate conscripts.
    MN: Your rifle has fought against itself and won every time.

    AK: Your rifle won some revolutions.
    AR: Your rifle won the Cold War.
    MN: Your rifle won a pole vault event.

    AK: You paid $350.
    AR: You paid $900.
    MN: You paid $59.95.

    AK: You buy cheap ammo by the case.
    AR: You lovingly reload precision crafted rounds one by one.
    MN: You dig your ammo out of a farmer's field in Ukraine and it works just fine.

    AK: You can intimidate your foe when you fix bayonet.
    AR: Your can give your foe a good laugh when you fix your bayonet.
    MN: You can bayonet your foe on the other side of the river without leaving the comfort of your hole.

    AK: Service life, 50 years.
    AR: Service life, 40 years.
    MN: Service life, 100 years, and counting.

    AK: It's easier to buy a new rifle when you want to change cartridge sizes.
    AR: You can change cartridge sizes with the push of a couple of pins and a new upper.
    MN: You believe no real man would dare risk the ridicule of his friends by suggesting there is anything but 7.62x54R.

    AK: You can repair your rifle with a big hammer and a swift kick.
    AR: You can repair your rifle by taking it to a certified gunsmith and it's under warranty!
    MN: If your rifle breaks, you can buy a new one.

    AK: You consider it a badge of honor when you get your handguards to burst into flames.
    AR: You consider it a badge of honor when you shoot a sub-MOA 5 shot group.
    MN: You consider it a badge of honor when you cycle 5 rounds without the aid of a 2x4.

    AK: After a long day the range you relax by watching "Red Dawn".
    AR: After a long day at the range you relax by watching "Blackhawk Down".
    MN: After a long day at the range you relax by visiting the chiropractor.

    AK: You can accessorize you rifle with a new muzzle brake or a nice stock set.
    AR: Your rifle's accessories are eight times more valuable than your rifle.
    MN: Your rifle's accessory is a small tin can with a funny lid, but it's buried under an apartment building somewhere in Budapest.

    AK: Your rifle's finish is varnish and paint.
    AR: Your rifle's finish is Teflon and high tech polymers.
    MN: Your rifle's finish is low grade shellac, cosmoline and Olga's toe nails.

    AK: Your wife tolerates your autographed framed picture of Mikhail Kalashnikov.
    AR: Your wife tolerates your autographed framed picture of Eugene Stoner.
    MN: You're not sure there WERE cameras to photograph Sergei Mosin.

    AK: Late at night you sometimes have to fight the urge to hold your rifle over your head and shout "Wolverines!"
    AR: Late at night you sometimes have to fight the urge to clear your house, slicing the pie from room to room.
    MN: Late at night, you sometimes have to fight the urge to dig a fighting trench in the yard to sleep in.
    Posterity: you will never know how much it has cost my generation to preserve your freedom. I hope you will make good use of it.--- John Quincy Adams
    Condensed Guide To Ohio Concealed Carry Laws

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    On the first day, God created the dog and said:

    'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

    The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

    So God agreed.

    On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

    'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

    The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

    And God agreed.

    On the third day, God created the cow and said:

    'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

    The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

    And God agreed again.

    On the fourth day, God created man and said:

    'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

    But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
    The dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

    'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

    So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    Life has now been explained to you.
    Posterity: you will never know how much it has cost my generation to preserve your freedom. I hope you will make good use of it.--- John Quincy Adams
    Condensed Guide To Ohio Concealed Carry Laws

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    Nymphomaniac Convention

    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

    He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat ...As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

    Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

    She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.”

    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

    “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

    “Really? “He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

    “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

    Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

    I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

    Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name...”

    “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”
    Posterity: you will never know how much it has cost my generation to preserve your freedom. I hope you will make good use of it.--- John Quincy Adams
    Condensed Guide To Ohio Concealed Carry Laws

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    Jesse Jackson struts into an appliance store and demands to see the manager. When he arrives, Jackson shouts, "I was told that there are no black appliances in here. I protest!"

    "What the hell are you talking about?" the manager asks.

    "Look over here at these washing machines. I see white ones and green ones and gold ones, but not a single black one."

    The manager nods, and then walks over and opens the lid of every machine. "Come over and look at these."

    Jackson looks into each one and then says, "So what is that about?"

    The manager looks him squarely in the eye and hisses, "Didn't you notice? Every one of the agitators is black."
    Posterity: you will never know how much it has cost my generation to preserve your freedom. I hope you will make good use of it.--- John Quincy Adams
    Condensed Guide To Ohio Concealed Carry Laws

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