What you are missing is that some questions of public policy can't, or at least shouldn't, be put to the public at large, on account of the fact that not all questions of social import are valid targets of public policy.
Itstjs: You mentioned smoking. If you can smoke in public while capturing all of the carcinogens and other noxious gases created and thus not pollute the common environment, knock yourself out. But, the moment you're talking about affecting the air I and lots of other people breathe, it actually does become an issue of public policy. Otherwise, keep it in your own home, not in public spaces.
You mentioned gay marriage. This would be a delightful thing to put to a general public vote. Let's decide communally who can and cannot love one another, who can and cannot enter into lasting, legally recognized pair bonds with one another, with shared familial responsibilities. I think that's just a grand idea. While we're at it, we can open up the question to other areas of social discord. Maybe, we could restrict marriages by people of different religions. Wouldn't want mixed Christian/Muslim marriages. Children might grow up confused as to which is the One, True Religion. Similarly, wouldn't want any mixed race marriages. That way, we can alleviate the suffering of bi-racial children inflicted upon them by those of pure blood.
You mentioned Don't Ask-Don't Tell. I wouldn't think under normal circumstances that a policy formulated by the Clinton Administration would find much support from Conservative corners. That must mean circumstances are abnormal. What could be abnormal about DADT? Oh. Yes. See above. The Ick Factor over non-heterosexuality. In a free society, no member physicly and/or mentally able to perform the functions and duties of a servicemember can be denied that opportunity on a purely social basis.
When expressing a desire for those in power to not legislate areas of common, public liberty, it's best not to accidentally complain about areas of common, public liberty you would like to see legislated instead.
When they "Nudge. Shove. Shoot.",
Don't retreat. Just reload.