Military Humor - Page 2
Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 1234 ... LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 49

Thread: Military Humor

  1. #11
    wolfhunter Guest
    "A Marine is a rain cooled, foot powered, spam fed, semi-automatic fighting machine, never known to have a stoppage." --M/Sgt W. Lord, Retired

    USMC Rules for Gunfighting
    1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
    2. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
    3. Have a plan.
    4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
    5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
    6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
    7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
    8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
    9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
    10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
    11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
    12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
    13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating or reloading.
    14. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
    15. And above all ... don't drop your guard.

    Navy SEALS Rules For Gunfighting
    1. Look very cool in sunglasses
    2. Kill every living thing within view
    3. Return quickly to looking cool in latest beachwear
    4. Check hair in mirror

    Navy Rules For Gunfighting
    1. Go to Sea
    2. Drink Coffee
    3. Watch porn
    4. Send the Marines

    US Army Rangers Rules For Gunfighting
    1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75-pound ruck while starving
    2. Locate individuals requiring killing
    3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing
    4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
    5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75-pound ruck while starving

    Army Rules For Gunfighting
    1. Select a new beret to wear
    2. Sew combat patch on right shoulder
    3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear

    US Air Force Rules For Gunfighting
    1. Have a cocktail
    2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner
    3. See what's on HBO
    4. Determine "what is a gunfight"
    5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation
    6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DoD & defense industry executives
    7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets
    8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally
    9. Tell the Navy to send the Marines

    Notice how only Marines and SEALS actually "kill" anyone in a gunfight?

  3. #12


    Quote Originally Posted by Canis-Lupus View Post
    Err wolfie olde chap, now you have gone done let the snake outa the bag! Inter-service razzing has been a military norm since some poor surf in rags dragged his sorry ass into battle to hack & chop his enemies to bits, yet shamed the archers who fired from the rear, cowards! Then some inbred royal rode on a horse, the cav was born and p/o-ed everyone off who had to march, the folks with cannons were stand off REMF's and the navy mostly sank except for the Phoenicians then the Roman Galleys who had slaves chained to oars, where were the Jars? Not quite in the scene yet, naval-infantry evolved when a bunch of lunatic horse-whipped drilled out of their brains poor FMJ sods who thought they would be soldiers ended up getting press-ganged and ended up SOL and too far out to sea to swim back, so they were used to hop from one ship to another with swords and do a soldier's work on a frigging ass boat. Forty lashes for failing to die for a war they did not start nor even understand nor wanted any part of until God in his wisdom allowed the United States Army to evolve and use the USMC to do jobs no sane private (E-1) would dream of pulling off. Some twit built a plane and it was so techy that B 4 U could complete the training most short wars were over, and God looked at the mess He had created thinking the Navy has it's USCG, it naval aviation, it's subs and fleets of the line, a brown water branch, and even created SEAL's to do some way-crazy stuff that most never graduated to pin on their dolphins during the train-up, natural born killers, and of course their naval infantry, the now multi-tasked USMC or Corp smirked upon all others, and for the sin of pride the Guy upstairs has planned that now the Dept of the Navy has air, land and sea agro all covered, there is no reason any other service should need to go to war, so by papal decree He plans on sending all us grunts & fly-boys home to find your gals all lonely cause U stay deployed, and hook em' up with a steady mate for life who stays home, plays with the kids, 'n dog, works in a safe job, watches MTV and plays on his I-Pod, that my friend is your destiny. So on behalf of every soldier and airman/woman we quit and leave the field to the omni-present got all the bases covered U.S. Navy and all her many minions. You can take care of something we will no longer need to bother ourselves with. And on the 8th day the troops and planes came home leaving the entire foul muck of fighting any future wars to the Dept of the Navy (1-ea) who seems to have a handle on the whole deal. Nes-pas?
    See if I EVER post into this thread again!!!!!!!
    I'll be watching you all on my 50" plasma big-screen T.V. and flying the friendly skies c/o ex-USAF pilots to wonderful tropical islands c/o the folks who used to fly B52's, an obsolete and redundent beast as your boats, jets and subs can plonk a nuke on Iran in seconds and I'll watch it all on CNN! Now run with that idea and tell me WTF kind of jobs are left that the Navy has not already fully filled and equitted itself jolly well if I may say so.
    (How to win friends and influence folks 101)

    THE NAVY is brought in to do what others can't.LOL

  4. #13
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Moravia, NY
    These are from snipercountry I always chuckle at them. These are a little different from Wolfhunters but same lines here and there...

    USMC Rules For Gun Fighting
    Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns. Bring their friends who have guns.
    If you can, make friends with those on the crew served weapons. Bring them as well. Borrow money from them, it gives them an added incentive to protect you.
    Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
    Only hits count. Close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
    If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.
    Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
    If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.
    In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived and who didn't.
    If you are not shooting, you should be communicating (calling for arty or air support), reloading, and running.
    Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
    Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket."
    Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
    In combat, there are no rules, always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
    Have a plan.
    Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
    Have a back-up, back-up plan in case CentCom or SecDef finds the first two plans "unacceptable".
    Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The only visible target should be in your gun sights.
    Flank your adversary when possible. Protect your flank.
    Don't drop your guard.
    Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
    Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
    Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
    The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
    Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
    Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
    Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
    Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a "4."

    Army Rules for Gun Fighting
    See USMC Rules to gun Fighting.
    Add 60 to 90 days.
    Hope the Marines already destroyed all meaningful resistance.

    Navy Rules for Gun Fighting
    Adopt an aggressive offshore posture.
    Send in the Marines.
    Drink Coffee and eat donuts.

    Air Force Rules for Gun Fighting
    Kiss the wife goodbye.
    Drive to the base in your sports car.
    Fly to target area, drop bombs, (try not to hit the Canuks) fly back to your home base.
    BBQ some burgers and drink beer in your back yard, and talk **** about the Navy, Army and Marines.
    Harvey Proud to be American, NRA Endowment, NYS Rifle Pistol, US Army Ret

    PALIN 2012

  5. #14
    This was a recent favorite of ours. The Navy EOD guys got a real kick out of it....

    YouTube - Funny Navy recruitment video
    "The very atmosphere of firearms anywhere and everywhere restrains evil interference - they deserve a place of honor with all that's good"
    -- George Washington

  6. #15

    Don't Bring a Rifle to a Tank Fight

    Or a personal Favorite of mine.... Don't bring a rifle to a tank fight.
    "The very atmosphere of firearms anywhere and everywhere restrains evil interference - they deserve a place of honor with all that's good"
    -- George Washington

  7. #16
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Those are good!
    Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both.

    Benjamin Franklin

  8. #17
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Inland Empire

    Unhappy For Anyone Flying Over the Holidays!

    1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
    2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
    3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
    4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
    5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
    6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
    7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
    8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
    9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
    10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
    11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
    12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
    13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
    14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
    15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
    16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
    17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
    18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
    19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
    20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
    21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
    22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
    23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
    24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.
    25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

  9. #18
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    desha, arkansas
    join the army, travel to distant, exotic forign lands, meet exiting,interesting people, AND KILL THEM!

  10. #19

    glad and proud to be an American

    The people think the Second Amendment protects their rights;
    Government sees an obstacle to be over-come.
    NRA Life since 1966

  11. #20
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    St. Louis County, MO

    New Country Security Levels

    The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

    Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

    Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."

    The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

    It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

    Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

    The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

    New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

    Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey! ", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.
    "Don't let the door hit ya where the dawg shudda bit ya!"
    G'day and Glock

Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 1234 ... LastLast

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts