Merry Christmas (warning, slightly adult)
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Thread: Merry Christmas (warning, slightly adult)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Sunny South Florida

    Merry Christmas (warning, slightly adult)

    Most years for quite awhile now I have written a Christmas poem based on the "Night before Christmas" cantor. They have ranged from deeply inspirational to fully off color but always presented in the spirit of jest and freindship. I had not written one as of a few days ago when I started receiving emails from colleagues all over the place saying "where is this years poem?" So over the past few days I cobbled one up and it is getting good acclaim from my crazy freinds so I decided to share it here as some of you may have the personallity to enjoy it.

    OK, it does use slightly off color language which may violate the letter of the forum rules, however I am claiming literary licenses and hope that the forum powers will allow it to post in the spirit it is meant.



    Twas the weekend before Christmas and my ass just got canned
    I was working stock at the big box when I mouthed off to the man
    Like the fool that I must be I told him to get screwed
    Then I made a slight gesture that they say was quite lewd

    They had brought in six pallets of the most worthless crap
    Then wanted displayed right next to gift wrap
    There was room for six boxes without blocking the floor
    But they said to just do it, and then to do more

    My ass had just had it, I freely can say
    When I decided enough crap had hit me that day
    So when I saw that the boss was down in isle five
    I gotten suddenly happy and felt so alive

    I threw down my price gun and started to walk
    To the end of the isle where they stood just to talk
    And was ready to give him the best piece of my mind
    And I reached really deep with all the strength I could find

    When suddenly outside their arose such a clatter
    I looked toward the glass doors to see what was the matter
    There were throngs of pissed shoppers in the cold winters night
    But there in the middle was a really odd sight

    A dude dressed in red decked with faux fur of white
    A weird pointy had that nearly glowed in the night
    Wide belt of black and slick leather boots
    He was either plain flaming, or just one major hoot

    He sat in the crowd with a big old red sleigh
    And eight stinky reindeer set to pull him away
    The crowd was all set to just pummel the dude
    When some kid yelled, that’s Santa and that lightened mood

    Right, said the guy next to who’s car he did sit
    There’s reindeer crap everywhere, who needs this ****
    So unless someone can tell me a good reason why
    I’m taken his ass out, this sucker must die

    That got things all rowdy and crazy again
    And I felt I must stop it, and that is just when
    I turned past the boss and did head toward the door
    As the boss yelled, get back here, there’s stock on the floor

    But I did not listen as I ran in the night
    I got into the crowd and got into the fight
    I grabbed the stick just before it hit Santa’s head
    As the dude that was swinging said that’s it, now YOUR dead

    As he turned to face me Santa pulled on the reigns
    “On Dancer, On Blitzen and the rest of your names
    Get your ass in the air and my butt in the sky
    Before that bastard right there kills me and this guy”

    An the sleigh took off skyward, Santa grabbing my hair
    Drug me into the slay as it rose in the air
    Just as the stick made an impact on lower right rail
    We were off, we were safe, if our power didn’t fail

    As we soared in sky, I realized Santa was real
    And he thanked me for helping him out in that deal
    We banked left and flew over the crowd down below
    The ass with the stick and my boss just starting to know

    That as tough as they thought they were on that night
    The magic of Christmas was now in their sight
    And all of the things that thought were not real
    Suddenly scared them, as they realized the deal

    If Santa was real and this sleigh now did fly
    Then there must be much more than being a tough guy
    And maybe they better reassess how they live
    And maybe, just maybe, should learn how to give

    But in the end, I met Santa as we flew from that spot
    We made one more low pass over that same parking lot
    As Donder and Blitzen relieved themselves of some “gas”
    We yelled as it splattered the crowd … MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU ASS!

  3. #2
    Well, I, for one, certainly enjoyed your rendition of this popular Christmas poem, 2beararms! A poet in our midst! Nicely done...

  4. #3
    I have to say that was pretty funny:)
    You can have my freedom as soon as I'm done with it!!!

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