Uncertainty of the English language
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Thread: Uncertainty of the English language

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
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    Talking Uncertainty of the English language

    DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS (Or the uncertainty of the English language)

    A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
    -----------------------------------------------------------
    An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
    The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
    1. The DNA all matches.
    2. There are no dental records.
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    A Blondie calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
    'Thank you,' the Blondie says and hangs up.
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
    'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
    'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
    'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
    'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
    -----------------------------------------------------------
    Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
    Joe: 'Really?'
    Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
    'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
    'Oops!'
    ------------------------------------------------------------
    While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care.
    .................................................. .......................
    The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
    "The sword dose not cause the murder, and the maker of the sword dose not bear sin" Rabbi Solomon ben Isaac 11th century
    "Don't be so open minded that your brains fall out!" Father John Corapi.

  2.   
  3. #2
    Another Sheldon moment. keep um coming.

  4. #3
    always enjoy something to laugh about.. thanks:)
    You can have my freedom as soon as I'm done with it!!!

  5. #4
    Join Date
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    Location
    Battle Creek Mi
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    Remember, it has been said that "Laughter is the best medicine" it is free and is proven to be anti ageing... so take a second dose on me....

    The late Mitch Hedburg (check him out on You Tube) here are some of his jokes;

    An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

    Dogs are forever in the push up position.

    I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

    I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

    I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

    I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

    I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

    I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

    I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

    I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

    I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

    If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

    My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

    People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

    Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

    The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

    This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

    You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
    "The sword dose not cause the murder, and the maker of the sword dose not bear sin" Rabbi Solomon ben Isaac 11th century
    "Don't be so open minded that your brains fall out!" Father John Corapi.

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