Chili with explosive results
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Thread: Chili with explosive results

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
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    Florida Panhandle
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    Red face Chili with explosive results

    This one was too good and very truthful not to pass along.

    I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
    said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I
    had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're
    definitely going to mess yourself" chili.

    Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with
    a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your
    butt cheeks WILL fall off.

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
    of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
    "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
    through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the ! usual
    morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and
    lightning.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I
    bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I
    often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

    Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
    and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
    until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the
    pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking
    about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems
    to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
    The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
    In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
    intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
    could take one! step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
    sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped
    in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I
    was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

    Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
    body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly
    woman turned into it.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction
    would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she
    walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
    directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
    least will be able to relate.
    I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
    walked into an invisib! le, a nd apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
    terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running,
    was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though
    trying to ward off angry bees.
    This, of course , made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.

    Mistake.

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped
    down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue
    burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
    was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
    someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

    Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
    through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
    way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took
    place.
    Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to! the john, began
    the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my
    butt is burning SO BAD, purging.

    One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true
    meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly
    said, " Oh my God!", then quickly left.

    Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
    intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached
    me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It
    appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager
    is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to
    take care of the problem."

    That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
    The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
    his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!",
    then ran off retur! ning moments later with the manager. I was
    unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not
    to return.

    Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to
    eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I
    went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we
    are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to
    repaint the store.:headphone:
    FESTUS
    IN OMNIA PARATUS

  2.   
  3. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Tampa Bay Area
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    1,854
    LOL
    "and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way,"
    Now thats some serious crop dusting!!

    LOL thanks for the post! I thought I was going to pee my pants at one point!
    "When Government fears the people, it's liberty. When people fear the Government, it's tyranny."
    - Benjamin Franklin

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Honolulu, HI & Salt Lake City, UT
    Posts
    2,797
    I'm not too fond of "hot" foods, don't like catching the "burn" on both ends. :nuke:



    gf
    "A few well placed shots with a .22LR is a lot better than a bunch of solid misses with a .44 mag!" Glock Armorer, NRA Chief RSO, Pistol, Rifle, Shotgun, Muzzleloading Rifle, Muzzleloading Shotgun, and Home Firearm Safety Training Counselor

  5. #4
    that sounds like some bad ass chili festus, you might want to switch to jalapeños. that was a great story. let me know if you visit Michigan:h: I'll go to Indiana or some were for a couple of days.
    "Victory at all cost Victory in spite of all terror. Victory no matter how long and how hard the road may be; for without Victory there is no survival."
    (Winston Churchill)

  6. Now that I am off the floor LMAO. I only have one thing to say. Can I get the recipe :i:
    Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant'
    is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist '.

  7. #6
    Festus, I am glade you told this story because after I finished laughing it caused me to remember that I need to add some more gas masks to my survival supplies.
    By faith Noah,being warned of God of things not seen as yet, moved with fear,prepared an ark to the saving of his house;by the which he condemned the world,and became heir of the righteousness which is by faith Heb.11:7

  8. Can I have the receipe for that chilie please!!!

  9. #8
    That's great!! It took me 10 min to read it. I couldn't focus cause I was laughing so hard.

  10. #9
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Honolulu, HI & Salt Lake City, UT
    Posts
    2,797
    Have you tried going back to the Walmart since? :y:




    gf
    "A few well placed shots with a .22LR is a lot better than a bunch of solid misses with a .44 mag!" Glock Armorer, NRA Chief RSO, Pistol, Rifle, Shotgun, Muzzleloading Rifle, Muzzleloading Shotgun, and Home Firearm Safety Training Counselor

  11. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Pacific Northwest
    Posts
    147
    I recently accompanied a fine ham, cheese, lettuce, and tomato sandwich with several chiles cortidos (those little Mexican green/yellow jobs capable of producing a pyroclastic flow usually accompanied by the sort of eruption that alters the world's climate). I knew it was dangerous, but no guts, no glory. Along about 0300 hrs I was awakened by the unmistakeable pain and pressure of a boiling bowl splitter demanding exit. I truly did think it was going to blast the porcelain pony off of the wall and hoped I would survive. My wife asked me if I was all right, but I was trying too hard not to scream to answer. The worst part was that I didn't even get the chance to gag strangers with Satanic flatulence, which might have made it worth the pain. At the conclusion of the experience I didn't know whether to consult a proctologist or a burn specialist, but I did make it to work and second degree chemical burns finally do heal.
    Better to perish in the struggle for freedom than live to see defeat. There ARE things to be feared more than death. The fyrd is a Constitutional imperative.

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