I have no clue how much of this
tale is true, but I thought it was a hoot none-the-less.

This is
true. Well, maybe a bit embellished here and there, but get down to
the LAWS and it is factual.

My Medical

I visited a
physician last week who was quite enthusiastic. It was a “new” doctor in
the practice, a young lady (at MY age, EVERYBODY is “young”! When I was
born, the Dead Sea wasn‘t even sick!) She was obviously a
liberal by her dress and manner. I was thinking of hitting on her, but I
don’t like the phrase she used, “You remind me of my
She asked me
what was wrong, and I replied, “I have a cut on my leg; and I think
it may be getting infected.”

She said,
“Before we start, I have to ask you a few questions. Are you allergic to
any medications?”

replied, “No.”

said, “Do you have any guns in the house?”

I said,

replied, “Guns. Do you have any guns in the

I asked,

said, “I’ve got to ask this question. It is required under the
Affordable Care Act.”

I asked,
“What are you going to do with the data?”

She said,
“We compile it, amalgamate it, and submit it to the

I said,
“Well, I have a Tommy Gun. I let my kid Tommy play with it.”

said, “What’s a Tommy Gun? I don‘t think that is the kind of
gun they are concerned with.”

With THAT, I
knew I had a live one. I said, “It’s similar to a B.A.R., but a
little heavier and shorter. I have a B.A.R. Also.”

She said,
“A B.A.R.?”

I said,

She looked
puzzled. Then she brightened up and asked, “Do you have any
assault rifles?”

I attempted to
look puzzled, and said , “I don’t know. What is an assault

She said,
“That’s a gun that is used in wars.”

I said,
“As a matter of fact, I do. I have a replica of a Revolutionary War

She began to
look a bit exasperated. I pretended not to notice and kept up the
appearance of trying to be helpful.

said, “Do you have anything more modern than

replied, “Well, yes I do. I have a replica muzzle loader from the
Civil War. Do you know the difference between a musket and a muzzle

She rather
peevishly said, “No, I don’t; and I don’t want to. What else
do you have?”

I said,
“I have an M-1.”

asked, “What’s that?”

I said,
“A rifle.”

asked, “What kind?”

replied, “It is called a Garand.”

She rather
loudly said, “I don’t care if it is a grand rifle or not. Is it an
assault rifle?”

To which I
replied, “I don’t know. I don’t know what an assault rifle is. You
say it’s a rifle used in war, yet you say that my musket and muzzle loader
are not assault rifles.”

She calmed down
(a bit) and asked, “Anything else?”

I said,
“I have an MG-.30, and an MG-.50. I‘m also part owner of an Apache. But
they are not rifles.”

stated, “Well, then, I’m not interested in them. Anything

replied, “Well, yes. I also have a 12-gauge and a 20-gauge pump.
They are not rifled though.”

said, “I’m not interested in pumps; I’m interested in

replied, “Well, then, I have a Colt, a Luger, a Glock, a bazooka, a
Parabellum, a Kalishnikov, a Henry, an Uzi, a Llama, and a Beretta--but
they are not rifles.”

She then
said, “I’ve had enough of this. I think you’re toying with me.
Let me see your leg.”

I then
said, “Excuse me, but before you look at my leg, I have a few
questions to ask of you.”

replied, “Of course. What are they?”

I said,
“I have given you a lot of information about my guns. I am somewhat
concerned about your knowledge and ability to assimilate, make coherent
sense of that information, and report it correctly. Do you know the
difference between a 22 caliber and a .223 caliber? It’s a rather
fundamental difference.”

replied, “Actually, I don’t.”

I said,
“I see. Let me ask some more relevant questions. “How much money do you

said, “That’s personal, why do you ask?”

I said,
“Well, in pushing the Health Care Act, my president cautioned the
population about doctors that would amputate a leg rather than treat a cut
because they make more money that way. Consequently, I wish to know if you
are financially troubled. What kind of car do you drive? What are your
house payments? How much is your mortgage? How much credit card debt do
you have? Do you have a student loan; if so, how much?”

She said,
“I’m not going to answer those questions. You have no right to ask

I then
asked, “Do you have training and education in homeopathic
techniques? Do you know the benefits/effects of CoQ10, ginseng, fish oil,
Creatine, BCAA, and other such herbal treatments?” Do you know the
difference between Panax ginseng, American ginseng, and Siberian

replied, “Well, No!”

I then
asked, ”Well, have you studied it at all?”

She replied
rather defensively, “NO; it’s all a bunch of hogwash

I said,
“Oh, then you have read the research on it. What have you read?”

She then
said, “I don’t waste my time reading such things. Why are you
asking me these questions?”

I said,
“Well, if I’m going to turn my body over to you for treatment, I believe
it is reasonable for me to know something about your motivation, training,
experience, and competence. Do you know anything about the practice of
holistic medicine?”

She said,
rather angrily “No, I don’t!”

I said,
“Oh. O.K. How much experience do you have in practicing

replied, “Well, not very much.”

To which I
said, “Well, we all have to start somewhere. What medical school did
you go to; what is its rank in terms of other medical schools; where did
you intern; and where did you do your residency? What is the rank of the
hospital where you did your internship and residency?”

She rather
peevishly said, “All my credentials are posted in the waiting

To which I
said, “Really? The rank of your medical school is posted in the
waiting room? Do you have any experience with leg injuries? If so, how

I guess that
was too much for her. She rather crossly said, “I think it
would be best if you saw a different doctor.” ...and started to
leave the room.

I said,
“You know, doctor. You asked me irrelevant questions about my guns, and I
answered them. Whether or not I own guns is really none of your business
and has absolutely nothing to do with any treatment you might prescribe.
On the other hand, I ask you questions quite relevant to my situation, and
you refuse to answer them. Isn’t that somewhat backwards?”

said, “But I HAVE to ask those questions. It’s the

To which I
replied, “Actually, it is NOT the law. Here is what the law
says--taken directly from the Affordable Care Act:”

( 1)
WELLNESS AND PREVENTION PROGRAMS. —A wellness and health promotion
activity implemented under subsection (a) (1) (D) may not require
the disclosure or collection of any information relating to—

(A) the presence or storage of a lawfully-possessed firearm or ammunition
in the residence or on the property of an individual;

(B) the lawful use, possession, or storage of a firearm or ammunition by
an individual.
authorities provided to the Secretary under the Patient Protection and
Affordable Care Act or an amendment made by that Act shall be construed to
authorize or may be used for the collection of any information relating

(A) the lawful ownership or possession of a firearm or

(B) the lawful use of a firearm or ammunition; or

(C) the lawful storage of a firearm or ammunition.

You may verify this at: http://housedocs.house.gov/energycommerce/ppacacon.pdf and


As you can see,
you have broken federal law TWICE--once by asking, and once by collecting
data. It is perfectly legal for me to own guns; it is
NOT legal for you to ask and/or collect such data.

YOU are
breaking the law, and yet YOU are the one that is angry.

Not only that,
but you erroneously stated that you must ask such questions, and you did
it in a very authoritative and convincing manner.

You gave me
false information, which I then acted upon by answering your

On that basis,
how can I be expected to trust your medical judgment?

When I
attempted to ascertain your medical competency, you became defensive and

There is really
no need for me to see another doctor in this practice. I‘ll go somewhere
else, where my privacy is respected, and I can trust the information I


Colonel, U. S.
Marine Corps, Retired