Taser Teaser
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Thread: Taser Teaser

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
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    Talking Taser Teaser

    This found it's way into my inbox from a platonic lady friend of 28 years who thinks I have no brains left after a 20 year Army career, funny my V.A. counsellor tells me the same thing, it is obviously a female conspiracy to make me paranoid... yeah that's it! "WHAT U LOOKING AT MISTAH?" Per her I have WAY too many boyz toyz & guns. She pokes fun @ the Christmas gift I wanted to give her, a nice cell-phone looking 800K stun-gun, BUD-K special, and I spent hours telling her about how it may save her life 1 day. "No way Jose"; she's an anti-2nd, bible pounding 'love thy neighbor' kina gal, Bless her! She won't let me bring many/any of my toys or kit near her home and won't let me teach her to shoot at our local indoor range. So like all good friends...I quit trying! If she gets raped or her home burgled.. oh well. I will probably get the blame even if I'm out of the country @ the time for not being around to defend her! Call 911!
    Things been getting kinda heavy around USA-Carry with the elections and some fussing & razzing, yup color me as a perp in 1 or 2 of those (sorry!) but hoping this post is one you will enjoy & maybe fwd to whomever just 4 kicks & giggles. Warning! Don't read with any hot or cold fluids in your mouth, or U may end up poaching your privates or spitting it all over your monitor, I did the latter.
    (WAY) Off Topic zounds like a good place to post it so here goes.

    Canis-Lupus

    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety and every woman needs something to protect herself with, right??
    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'" long, less than inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HECK!!!
    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
    IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
    The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were stilltwitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe, came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
    P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
    'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'

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  3. #2
    boyzoi Guest
    LMAO........
    Gawd I wish there was a video..........

  4. #3
    Join Date
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    Great laugh! Thanks for posting

  5. #4
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    Great post...

    I feel it where I set!!!
    I can't believe anyone would be so dumb. I surely would want to test it but would have someone poke me or poke someone else to tell me how well it worked...
    The Iceman, Akron, Oh
    Shoot straight and be safe...

  6. #5
    Join Date
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    Quote Originally Posted by PaulIcemanMc View Post
    I feel it where I set!!!
    I can't believe anyone would be so dumb. I surely would want to test it but would have someone poke me or poke someone else to tell me how well it worked...
    I carry a Taser at work (I'm a security officer) and unfortunately, in order to get certified, I had to get Tased. No fun at all. I can totally relate.

  7. Taser teaser

    I have read this before, and find it hilarious. I must point out an error, however. A TASER fires two darts on wires which convey the electric charge to the suspect. It CAN be used as a contact stun gun, but was designed to work at a distance. BTW, TASER stands for Thomas A. Swift's Electric Rifle, as the inventor was a fan of the Tom Swift books as a kid. As always, I enjoy your posts. Keep.em coming.

    I am looking for the sign that somone had posted here to be placed where there were signs prohibiting guns. As I remember, it says something to the effect that Criminals, the customers here have been disarmed for your convenience. I have run into a Tuesday Morning store in Lacey, WA that has a sign saying 'Weapons not allowed on premises.' I have written a letter explaining to the manager that their sign makes no one safer, but in fact raised the danger level of all in the store, because only the law-abiding citizen will obey it, the criminal will have his gun.
    Last edited by wuzfuz; 12-04-2008 at 08:52 PM. Reason: typos and additional info
    A man without a gun is a subject; a man with a gun is a citizen.
    I'll keep my freedom, my guns and my money. You can keep THE CHANGE.
    An armed society is a polite society.

  8. #7
    Join Date
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    Quote Originally Posted by wuzfuz View Post
    I have read this before, and find it hilarious. I must point out an error, however. A TASER fires two darts on wires which convey the electric charge to the suspect. It CAN be used as a contact stun gun, but was designed to work at a distance. BTW, TASER stands for Thomas A. Swift's Electric Rifle, as the inventor was a fan of the Tom Swift books as a kid. As always, I enjoy your posts. Keep.em coming.

    I am looking for the sign that somone had posted here to be placed where there were signs prohibiting guns. As I remember, it says something to the effect that Criminals, the customers here have been disarmed for your convenience. I have run into a Tuesday Morning store in Lacey, WA that has a sign saying 'Weapons not allowed on premises.' I have written a letter explaining to the manager that their sign makes no one safer, but in fact raised the danger level of all in the store, because only the law-abiding citizen will obey it, the criminal will have his gun.
    I believe the placard reads something like this; Criminals! This is a "DEFENSE-FREE ZONE" all customers of this establishment have been disarmed for your convenience. I will be keeping an eye out for the sign.

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