White House Prison Escape

by Molli Nickell, Granny Guerrilla

MOB in prisonOnce upon a time, the common folk in the kingdom faced a summer that would not include any family vacations. Not even day trips to visit grandma and grandpa. A collapsed economy had resulted in job loss, higher taxes, inflation, and exploding costs for fuel, groceries, and drained families of extra funds for anything, even an afternoon at the movies.

However, not every single person in the kingdom was affected, particularly the Empress-in-Chief who hadn't noticed (nor been affected by) the economic downturn. She jetted hither and yon on lavish vacations to Mexico, Vail, Hawaii, Spain, and Ireland (where she lunched with Bono). Good thing the Emperor's fleet (funded by the common folk) included his-and-hers-luxury jets to accommodate their various travel whims.

Then came the announcement about the vacation "whopper" of the summer. The Emperor and Empress, along with assorted "others," would travel to Africa. The tab? $100 Million dollars, give or take a few mil.

"Hey" shouted the common folk, "You're using our money, not your own. Besides, we got needs on the home front! Like taking care of our wounded warriors who are stuck in a world of hurt and waiting years for their promised benefits to kick in. How about resuming White House tours? What the bleep is so important about visiting Africa . . . again?"

The Royal Mouthpiece assured the common folks that the Emperor felt it was vital to make the trip to bolster motivation for the defense of human rights throughout the world. (Interestingly enough, he failed to mention the lack of human rights afforded to the 100,000 men, women, and children who continued to be slaughtered in Syria).

Then it was "leaked" about who and what travel with the Emperor and Empress as they visited "friendly" African nations. They would be accompanied by a squad of secret service agents, 56 special vehicles including 14 armored limos, three ginormous trucks loaded with bullet-proof shields to cover their hotel windows, an aircraft carrier with fighter jets to patrol the air space above the entourage, a fully-staffed trauma center, four cousins, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

The common folk suggested a more cost-effective program that would save millions of travel dollars. "Send every single citizen in every friendly country a DVD of the Emperor's defense-of-human rights-teleprompter speeches."

"HAHAHA!" laughed the Royal Mouthpiece, "you're kidding, right?"

And that was that! The African trip proceeded in the usual royalty-come-to-town manner with dinners and luncheons and parades and meet-the-press moments. During one of interviews, the Empress-in-Chief whined about how occupying the White House was like living in a "really nice prison."

The coMOB on white house lawnmmon folk back in America reacted with cries of "Prison? Really? You talkin' about prison . . . like Alcatraz? Three hots and a cot? Are you kidding? You live in a prison of luxury where you squander dollars from the common folk on personal assistants and fitness trainers (to keep your upper arms toned), while millions of African moms live in prisons of lack. They don't have money to buy mosquito nets for their children's beds or food for their bellies. These moms would swap prisons with you in a New York second!"

But then, being a country of forgiving people, the common folk felt twinges of sympathy for the poor Empress who would not be eligible for parole until 2017. Benefits were organized. Pennies, nickels, and more pennies were donated to fund a prison break.

And so it came to be that the Empress was given sanctuary on the off-shore island of Martha's Vineyard. She fled the White House prison, accompanied by secret service agents, personal assistants, hair dressers, fitness coaches, chefs, food servers, personal valets, maids, make-up-artists, photographers, doctors, food tasters, assorted friends and family, the royal dog, and of course, the royal granny-nanny.

How did the Empress occupy her prison-break days? Playing croquet? Throwing elaborate parties for celebrities? Silly you! Of course not. She spent every waking moment writing gracious thank-you notes to the common folk who had funded her escape. Say what? You didn't receive yours? Must have been lost by the government-run postal service.